Profiles in Healing: Tennessee

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)




Team: Tennessee Volunteers

Doctor: Uncle John’s Rot-Gut

Born: Johnny Majors’ hungover pit sweat, dumpling grease, Alcoa Highway rest areas

Hometown: Not Franklin County Tennessee

Height: Short enough to fit in various parts of blue jeans (Dickies are acceptable)

Weight: As many gallons as John Henderson and Albert Haynesworth could carry at once

Educational Background: Mike Cooley’s Physics Ph.D. plus mountain smarts baby – something y’all wouldn’t know nothin’ bout

Proudest professional moment: Not being able to remember stealing Steve Spurrier’s visor on Sept. 20, 1998; Earning enough to buy first Earnhardt truck grill

Worst Professional Moment: See Johnny Majors lifetime record versus Alabama

Medical Philosophy: Orange is the cause and cure of all blindness, especially watching 110,000 people wearing orange on this stuff. You don’t want to see our offense anyway.

Previous Employer: John Daly, All wives of John Daly, Southern women with PMS everywhere, and possibly Sarah Palin

Contributions to team’s success: This guy, this guy, and making this guy head to Yankee Land

Future Goals: Provide UT fans entertainment while losing to UF and UGA every year for the foreseeable future. Gotta sell tickets somehow. Hell, let me coach the damn team. Piss on Alabama.