A Circular Motion, Week 7: Columbus, Caminos and Cubans

Because if you stare into the great abyss looking for the future, what you're really seeing is the past, we preview this weekends games by looking back through History.com's "This Week in History."

McNeese St. at LSU (6:00 pm CST)/Columbus Stumbles Into The Bahamas (Rum Drinks O'Clock EST)

Relying simply on pure balls and blessed ignorance, funny-hatted captain with poor clock management narrowly staves off mutiny and desertion with unexpected success and exotic spices. Scholars debate whether he was ahead of his time or clinically insane.

MSU at Florida (7:00 pm EST)/Rommel Commits Suicide By Cyanide (3:35 pm Fuhrer Time)
A struggling superpower looks for a fall guy outside of the infalliable dear leader, who is genius and cannot possibly be the cause of the downward trend. A close assistant is singled out and done away with.


Iowa at Michigan (11:00 am CST)/Blind Man, Terrified Co-Pilot Set Land Speed Record (8:45 am CET)
Full of bravado, a man in the dark puts the pedal down. He has no idea where he's going, but he knows he's going to get there fast...and probably with his shoelaces untied. Beside him, a very nervous man holding a clip board screams encrouagement, because his life depends on this success.

California at USC (12:30 pm PT)/Charlie Rich Presents CMA Entertainer of the Year Award to John Denver, Lights It On Fire (8:38 pm CST)
A former winner on the decline looks around at where the industry is going. Instead of passing the torch, instead decides just to set the whole thing on fire by incincerating an award of questionable relevance. Then, goes to hang out with a monkey at a truck stop.

Arkansas at Auburn (2:30 pm CST)/William Jefferson Clinton and Hillary Rodhman Are Married (4:00 pm CST)

A marriage of shotgun convience erupts into turbulance/betrayal/lies/strange sexual advances/world domination.

BYU at TCU (3:00 pm CST)/The Republic of Texas Joins United States (2:15 am TEXAS TIME)

After breaking away from a small-time, dysfunctional association, a pissy group of white guys with inflated opinions of themselves come to the painful realization that maybe independence is not quite all it's cracked up to be.

Baylor at Colorado (5:00 pm MT)/In 1943, Italy Declares War On Germany (Sometime After Brunch CET) 
A weak ally with a deposed maniacal leadership jumps from a clearly sinking ship to join up with former rivals. They prove to be as worthless to their new friends as they were their old ones.

Ohio State at Wisconsin (6:00 pm CST)/The Cuban Missle Crisis Begins (8:30 pm Rum Drinks O'Clock)
Two beheamoths have a staring contest for what seems like weeks. Big talk and anxious build-up drags on into fatigue and resignation to death. By the end, everybody's just tired of watching and not particularly concerned if the world ends or not.

Ole Miss at Alabama (8:00 pm CST)/Young Hitler Survives Gas Attack In WW1 (11:42 CET)
Evil takes a knock from the old Empire, but is not finished off. Left alive, he later goes on a rampage through lesser horse-calvary states leaving bombed out cities, smoldering ashes and bitter defeat in the wake.

Iowa State at Oklahoma (6:00 pm CST)/Western Movie Star Killed By "Suitcase of Death"(8:45 pm CST)
Cruising the roads of victory, a successful Okie puts it into the ditch and is unexpectedly knocked off from behind by a blunt object projectile. Mourning Oklahomans agree the loss, while tragic, probably prevented what they foresaw as a slow, messy decline into booze, whores and dice games in the desert.




Oregon State at Washington (7:15 pm PT)/Car-Truck Hybrid 'El Camino' Rolls Off The Line (9:00 am CST)
Once with high hopes as the ushering in a new era of a struggling national brand, the hybrid struggles to live up to the hype. Once billled as "the most beautiful thing that ever shouldered a load," the stock keeps sliding into an object of ridicule and pity.

A Circular Motion: Looking Back to Look Forward At Week 6

Because if you stare into the great abyss looking for the future, what you're really seeing is the past, we preview this weekends games by looking back through History.com's "This Week in History."

Baylor at Texas Tech (12 pm EST)/Lincoln Observes Military Balloon Demonstration (11:22 am EST)

Controversial new aerial technology is demonsrated before big-eared executive, who is dubious of its actual worth in battlefield conditions. Decision is made to stick to Naploeonic formation tactics with the occasional calvary/wildcat charge.

Minnesota at Wisconsin (12 pm EST)/Minnesotan Circles The Globe On Foot (10:45 pm GMT)
Disenchanted Minnesota natives hit the road. When asked why they've decided to subject themselves to the pain of a journey that's going to inevitably bring them to exactly where they started, said "I was tired of Waseca, tired of my job, tired of a lot of little people who don't want to think, and tired of my wife."

Tennessee at Georgia (12:21 EST)/Chief Joselph Surrenders, Still Screwed (5:30 MST)
After attempting to lead honorably in the face of a dishonest world, a tired chief tries in vein once more for a victory for his people. After failing, he declares, "Hear me, my chiefs: My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever." Then, limps to Canada.

UCLA at California (12:30 pm PT)/90210 Premieres on Fox (8:00 PT)
Counting on drama and sensantionalism to bring them into competition with more staid industry stalwarts, a network under edgy new leadership brings the bad boy with the dark past to lay wreck to any notions of academia, scholarly pursuit or free love with illicit substances, unplanned pregnancies and cutthroat tactics. On the way out, a tree burns and a nation embraces its guilty pleasures.

Alabama at South Carolina (3:30 pm EST)/Stalin Demands the Liberation of Stalingrad (6:12 am MSK)
The humbled once-brash dictator stares down the new, seemingly irresitable darkness on his doorstep and perpares for a final, depserate push to turn them back. Meanwhile, the rest of the free world watches and waits to meet their new overlord.

Clemson at UNC (3:30 PM EST)/Dalton Gang Gets Greedy, Ambushed, Decimated (1:15 pm MST)
Pushing their luck in an effort to take a shortcut to long-term prosperity, well-known outlaws are caught in a firefight that results in severe attrition. Those who survived offer only solemn warnings to others who think about challenging the law: "The biggest fool on earth is the one who thinks he can beat the law, that crime can be made to pay. It never paid and it never will and that was the one big lesson of the Coffeyville raid/Miami Yacht Party."

LSU at Florida (7:30 pm EST)/Sputnik Launched Into Space (10:29 pm MSK)
Supposedly less technically-advanced nation under leadership of questionable sanity continues to shock and confound the world with feats of success that seem to far outstrip their perceived abilities or performance in basic functions.

Auburn at Kentucky (7:30 pm CST)/James Bakker Indicted, Jessica Hahn Cashes In (8:30 am EST)
A fraudulent faith healer's scam finally gets exposed, while the underling he screwed over on his way out of the door makes the most of a bad situation to pad the wallet and build notoriety.

USC at Stanford (5:00 pm PT)/Liz Taylor Marries Construction Worker (8:30 pm PT)
Legendary Hollywood institution, tired from scandal and battered from the spotlight, goes slumming in rehab with the first swinging dick with a full head of hair who winks and slaps the ass. Everyone involved assumes it will end in either divorce or matricide, possibly by arsenic.

MSU at Houston (7:00 pm CST)/Work Begins On Mount Rushmore (6:15 am CST)
An ambitious visionary struggles to manipulate hard, formless nature into a lasting work of art in a desolate landscape. Little does he know, he will never live long enough to see his efforts come to fruition.