Ole Miss Baseball: This Is How Revolutions Die, On Terraced Outfield Boxes

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - President Josiah Bartlett (maybe Margaret Meade)

Substitute "functional alcoholics" for "citizens" and you've still got a useful maxim without losing much truth. And so it was, on cold, rainy February afternoons that a small band of students hauled sofas to the hillside, covered them with tarps and staked claim for a season in Right Field at Oxford University Stadium, cheering on an Ole Miss baseball team that hadn't won a conference championship since 1977. 

A few cracks in the vinyl just helps you find the groove.

Grills and coolers were brought out for what is the closest many will ever come to owning a luxury box for a sporting event. And when the sun finally arrived, those noble sooners were able to hold court around their hard-fought outfield homestead. 

Now that Ole Miss Baseball has missed out on postseason play for just the third time since Mike Bianco was hired in 2000, it's time for another brief session of fond remembrance; some reaffirmation of why we do this and how far we come. If you were lucky enough to have spent time on the Swayze hilltop between 2000 and 2006, you shouldn't have to look too far.

"Start turning the girl into the ground, roll a new love over." You think you're grown. You think you're a man. I'm 20 years old, for christsakes. I'm a Sophomore. I've seen some shit. There aren't a lot of surprises left. Got a slick fake ID and figured out the places that will take it. There's some cold Beast Light in a rolling ice chest and some meat burning on a grill. A little sun, a little baseball...holy shiiiit. 

Beer drops to the ground, splashing and hissing against the coals below. Mouth slacks and eyes come to a squint. Through the brightness of the solar flare, she walks up the hillside in a jean skirt and a skin-tight black Allman Brothers Band t-shirt, sunlight reverently breaking in front of her; leaving a heat wave wake. There were soft curves and stretched black cotton all joined together into a gentle, rhythmic sway.

With pupils fighting to process through the bright at full dilation, screaming to look away or go blind, in the moments just before permanent optical damage set in, I think I saw Jesus smiling over her left shoulder. 

It was probably on a similar March day in 1969 when two brothers and their wandering collection of major-label musical rejects decided to stay together. "We can't give up guys," I imagine Duane saying. "In 40 years, a kid in Oxford, Mississippi is going to find religion when some girl wears one of our t-shirts to a baseball game. If we break up, that might never happen." 

As with all Ole Miss athletic events...and perhaps life in general, the key is to attract the casual follower into a sport is to create something that is more cocktail than competition. That finally took hold during these formative years. It was the debters, ramblers and second sons of the Grove empire exiled to fight out their own space in the wilderness. Right Field at Swayze was the Australia to the Grove's Great Britain-- a rough penal colony imitation of the establishment.  

Once the dingos were fought off, the Indian attacks died down and some basic supply lines were established, the pioneer women arrive. Without the pretensions and pearls of settled society, frontier women are little more rough and tumble-- and lot more practical. Gone are the cocktail dresses and heels of football weekends. Mom and Dad probably aren't in town, and Sorority initiation is long over. Baseball was all flip-flops, short shorts and the occasional bikini top.

God bless them all, but especially those of the jean skirts and rock shirts. And of course, God bless Duane Allman.

God bless you, Duane.

"In the middle of the day, there's a young man rolling around in the earth and rain." What are now carefully terraced, pea-gravel flats with clearly marked edges were once little more than a slightly flat spot on a hillside. You dug the front legs of your folding chair into the dirt and rocked your weight to your heels to keep upright. 

Of course this wasn't always successful, especially into later innings. And when it rained, the whole slope turned into a rolling avalanche of bodies sliding into the trough at the base of the right field fence. 

Once you find yourself in the puddle, you might as well roll around in it for a second. 

What were earlier seen as embarrassments began to look like good fun. Given time and encouragement, people begin purposefully flinging themselves, belly first, onto the muddy slick, splashing through the catchment at the bottom and occasionally thumping into the backside of the wall. 

There's something amazing about tearing down a really good, winding dirt road. The slip, drift, dust and bare illusion of control is everything that makes fossil fuel consumption emotionally worthwhile. Today, they're being paved over and straightened. Sure, it's a more efficient, safer way to travel, but it's also a bit mindless and cold. Dirt is warm. The old right field was a dirt road paved over-- and that's probably for the best-- but it's just not the same. 

"Keep turning the wool across the wire." Heckles. Heckles, I Say. Baseball fandom was built on the very special relationship between the outfielder and the over-served outfield attendee. But like any relationship, the discourse is helped by taking the time to really get to know the person with whom you're discoursing. And so, a plucky local weekly paper began doing some light internet research and putting together quick profiles of each weekend's visiting Right Fielder. 

Just simple things. His full name, hometown...perhaps the name of a female relative or any interesting bits that might be pulled from a hokey media guide profile-- favorite meal, favorite movie, maybe a quote of inspiration. And unlike a football game where you can only be heard as part of the deafening throng-- either as just noise within noise or part of simple chants-- the small collective of spectators directly overlooking an outfield provides the intimacy for a real, substantive conversation; To really dig deep into the individual's persona, hopes, dreams and shortcomings-- like a Festivus airing of grievances shouted from 10 yards away. 

And sometimes, the baseball gods just toss out a piece of bloody red meat to the Coliseum lions. 

It was a great day when that opposing squad took the field. You didn't need to pull up the profile from the paper. His entire being was printed cleanly across the blades of the Right Fielder's back. His last name was "Glasscock." 

I don't remember if Ole Miss won or loss. I don't even clearly remember what team young Glasscock played for. I just remember that was a good day on the hillside. 

The section was also directly overlooking the opposing team's bullpen. The outfield was the first to know when a pitching change was coming and greeted the incoming hurlers as they readied to take the field. It came to its peak on a cold, rainy afternoon in an early season game against a small school from New Jersey. One of the remaining few fans, driven mad to match the conditions, climbed the walls of the bullpen like a steel cage wrestler, screaming derisive comments to a shaken relief pitcher probably on his first (and likely only) trip to the state of Mississippi. The bullpen has since been moved.

"Get right to the heart of matters, it's the heart that matters more." For the first few years, the only way to sit in the outfield and follow a game was to break out an old-fashioned hand-written scorecard. The only visible part of the scoreboard was the back, and even after a small, rear-facing display was added, it only gave the bare minimum-- score and inning. The official announcer was barely heard and scarcely understood through the struggling lone megaphone spliced to the back of the main scoreboard.

It created discussion-- what's the count? Who's up? Who's that warming up in the bullpen? It was the original crowdsourced, shared experience sporting event. 

The regulars, the keepers of the sofas, the holders of the grill flames, became the community elders-- setting the tone for those in attendance, forming them into a functioning whole with just simple rules of basic decorum. 

When to chant "Dirt." Keep your beer in a cup. When to start a Hotty Toddy. After the between-inning outfield warm-ups, the Ole Miss outfield's warm-up ball was tossed to the right field stands for safe keeping. The elders made sure it was secured and returned when the outfielders returned to the field. Most importantly, they made sure any girls in attendance had a seat and a beer.

Concessions were non-existant. Parking was free and first-come-first-serve. Admission was free. For the first few years, there wasn't even a security guard. The closest thing to an "official" University presence was the Port-O-Johns that were placed, and even occasionally emptied, at the entrance. It was a laissez-fare, free form, student driven experience that has largely disappeared from American universities and college athletics in particular. 

Gradually, it was chipped away. You had to pay for parking. A private security guard was sent to patrol the stands. Later, it was uniformed UPD patrols, complete with cooler searches and admonishments for illicit language. It wasn't a "family environment," but it wasn't supposed to be. Anyone who wandered into Right Field with children was obviously lost and kindly directed elsewhere.

"If you're gonna walk on water, could you drop a line my way?" 2001 was when the dreams of winning more than the party really started to fester. After each victory, fans filed out to the tune of the Counting Crows' "Omaha" struggling through the aged megaphone. 

It was a hopeful thing. The logistics of a road trip to Nebraska became a common topic of conversation among the couches. The team finished 2nd in the West and was invited to an NCAA regional. It stumbled in 2002 with a baffling collapse in conference play, but rebounded for Regionals and Super Regionals from 2003-2010.

But as postseason efforts fell short, often in heartbreaking fashion against superpowers like Texas, Miami and Arizona State, the post game "Omaha" chorus turned from hopeful anthem to a crushing taunt. And in this way, Ole Miss baseball fell into the sad "not ready for primetime" malaise of the rest of the athletic structure. Perhaps it was even more bitter because the team had shown such consistent success. You couldn't ever be justifiably angry or distraught...just disappointed, and that eats at you even more than outright ineptitude.

"Think you better turn your ticket in, get your money back at the door." One day, the hard scrabble homesteader wakes up to the sound of sirens and horns. He looks out his door and the scrap of land nobody wanted is now full of conveniences and costs. The neighboring families that were there at the beginning are long gone, replaced by a thousand strangers with security fences, car alarms and children tethered to leashes. There's no place for old couches and open flames and the "security" for your own good would never allow you to roll down a hill into the mud. It's been whitewashed and institutionalized.

Not that it's not still good. At its core, it's still college kids sitting in the sun and watching baseball, and that's pretty hard to frown on. From 2000 to 2009, overall attendance at Ole Miss baseball went from a season total of 40,130 fans to 273,111, and the resources granted to the previously neglected baseball team have ballooned to set a national standard for facilities, atmosphere and revenue-- no small feat for a school like Ole Miss. Of course, a lot of that has to do with the success of the team itself-- the talent of the players and the work of Bianco. It also had to do with fundraising and leadership from the boosters and administration of the university. 

But somewhere, lost in the shuffle, is the impact of those dedicated few who showed up, game after game, with cheap beer on tattered sofas and pioneered something unique and organic. Institutions pay untold millions to far away consultants in an effort to officially cultivate atmosphere and tradition that ultimately feels like lunch at the Madison Applebees. The Swayze Right Field was something honest and uncontrived. And in college sports, certainly more than pro, talented players are attracted to fan enthusiasm and today's beer swilling outfield bums become tomorrow's high-dollar luxury box donors. 

Modern Ole Miss baseball, a nationally-relevant program that generates revenue for the school, could not have happened if it were not for those who braved the cold February days on the hillside. And for those of us who saw it happen, it'll be hard to ever completely cut yourself off from the school, the sport and the program that were at the heart of it.

Bound for Glory, This Train: Where The Rails Meet The River

The tracks run straight to the riverside in New Orleans. The crossing lights flashed red, the warning bells began to ring and an Amtrak engine slowly pulls into sight hauling behind it 17 vintage rail cars. Style from the 30s dragged behind the technology of the 50s into a rivertown that's still struggling with its place in the current. Slow, creaking wheels came to a stop, a whistle blew and a hoard of riders burst from the streamlined silver doors carrying every sort of noise making device ever produced over the last century. Digital sound boards, electric pedals, mandolins, keyboards, organs, slides, accordions, stand-up bass, banjos, guitars of all eras and functions and brass came streaming out like a disturbed multi-instrumentalist ant bed. The train was late, you see. Romance comes on an unreliable schedule, such are the realities of train travel. But at least they got a good parking space.

From fan pics on www.railroadrevivaltour.com

On April 21st, Old Crow Medicine Show, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Mumford and Sons played a show in Oakland, California, then jumped a train headed east. They played cities along the way, including Marfa, Texas, whose population doubled when Edward Sharpe's 55-piece musical collective crossed the town line. They had bar cars, dining cars, cars for equipment, cars for crew, cars rigged for recording and an open air "jam" car. It was Woody Guthrie's wet dream at a leisurely 45 mph. 

New Orleans was the final stop on the 8 day Railroad Revival Tour, and OCMS was up first.

"You can spend your whole life racing down dusty old railroad lines, but it's that setting sun you're chasing in a dark and rolling sky." - That Evening Sun, OCMS


Old Crow Medicine Show. They seem absolutely pleased with themselves. I know that's a comment that can cut at different angles, but I mean it as a complement. Every time they hit the stage, they do it with a dirty childhood smirk of a boy about to bring the ruckus.

I saw them for the first time from the balcony of the 930 club, and it wasn't until about 45 minutes in that I realized they didn't have a drummer. The percussion comes from boots on boards, palms slapped on the face of acoustic guitars or the vibrations along the skin of a banjo, creating a percussive harmony that organically springs from every song. We danced to beats we could only guess at and sang songs we didn't know, drank a hip flask of cheap rum and fell over into the hedges. Old Crow has a presence that makes you want to sing along even if you don't know the words, and that's nothing short of magic.

They've been doing it for over a decade. And even though I'm sure they have frustrations and feel the grind of the repetition, I have never seen them be anything but joyous on the stage. They're the locker room guys. They know what they do and how to do it right. They know they're lucky to be where they are, but have also watched those less deserving go further. They know there is somewhere worse than here. And it's that attitude that you need on a steel railed asylum that's got to roll for a week.

There's no warm-up, no build up. Just a short introduction, a brief high-pitched cry from front man fiddle player Ketch Secor and we're off. They're not coming off an acclaimed Grammy performance and you're not going to catch their songs backing up major advertising campaigns. But, OCMS knows they're about to kick your ass and make you like it. And, as always, it's nothing but joy. It's not a bad way to see the sun sink down over the city.

Alex Ebert doing...something. 

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.  In the best traditions of Hootie and the Blowfish, there is no one named Edward Sharpe in this band. Theirs was a more measured method of taking the stage, which is only necessary in a production this big. Like most Americans, I know Edward Sharpe as the guys who sing the song from the NFL commercial, so I was curious. I'd heard good things and was with people who were genuinely excited about seeing this buzzed-up band.

It's not the look. At least it's not all the look. White boy, vaguely Eastern cultural bullshit like the shallow end of the unproductive corner of George Harrison's soul, dancing around on stage. Honestly, it wouldn't be a problem if there was something to back it up. But when you put on a show this empty, I'm going to fill it up with my skin-deep biases. They looked tired. They looked over it. It was like watching a hundred gears turning for no other purpose but to turn more gears. It was not bad, just flat. For the performance of the song that had gotten them here, Ebert half-ass hummed through the whistle intro and then finished by leaning against the piano and staring into the distance. What they did bring to the party was a red-headed girl sawing down hard on my favorite instrument, the rock accordion. More on that later.

I get it. I don't blame them. But they should take a page out of Crazy Heart's Bad Blake book of philosophy-- when a song's been good to you, you've got to treat it with some respect. Never complain that people want to hear something you've created, because the alternative is crushing. They limped off stage.

Mumford and Sons. Nothing short of phenomenal. I was expecting quiet, moody, Iron and Wine cry into your sherry kind of music. I'm not sure why, it was just what I understood Mumford and Sons to be. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

They were melancholy soaked in gasoline. Moonshine with a Xanax chaser. It you ever slowed down enough to think about what was actually being said, you'd probably be pretty depressed...but that's all the more reason not to slow down. They tell you the sad truth of life with a smile on their face as they skip on down the road, and that's something you need when riding a rail car through southwestern America, watching above ground pools pass in trailerpark yards.

There's only one album, and from what I can tell, they faithfully rolled through it with a racing heart-- essential for bringing this style of songs to the stage. It's this thing they did, are obviously proud of and utterly amazed that they're able to put it out there in front of this many people.

Don't Carry No Hustlers, This Train. Then the flood gates opened. People poured onto the stage, trying to fit in somewhere along the line for the grand finale, a group jam of Woody Guthrie classic "This Train Is Bound For Glory." It was a mess. A big, noisy, glorious mess. Some spontaneous house party jam that never really exists anywhere else. Drums and horns, and British infantry hats, flat on the on the floor accordion duels. Even the random douchebag with the tambourine and the nightshirt seems to have a somewhat productive place in the ecosystem.

All the while, the train sat patiently smoking on the tracks, the right lights and dull bells of the crossing warning still ringing. 

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Convenient Myth of Pre-Destination, Egg Bowls and Thanksgiving

I wasn't born into this. As much as I play up my Ole Miss fandom as being some inevitable hereditary curse like Sickle Cell Anemia or clubbed feet, it's not the truth. Yes, both my parents and a considerable portion of various other wings of my family went to Ole Miss, but there are plenty more that attended college elsewhere (or not at all).

Joe Lee Dunn, Pregnant since 1994.

And yes, I lived with Ole Miss sports for 18 years of my life when I came to the point where it was time to make a decision about whether to re-buy in. Maybe my earliest Ole Miss memory was huddled around a Liberty Bowl bathroom heater with the rest of the frostbitten masses on New Years Eve 1992 listening to Billy Brewer, then-defensive genius Joe Lee Dunn (barely into his first trimester of a still-continuing male pregnancy) and Cassius Ware stumble through a 13-0 victory over Air Force. I made a "Cassius B-Ware" sign to hold that was discarded because it meant removing the shivering hands from my jacket.

In the previous year, Ole Miss had jumped to its first New Years Day bowl since 1970...and gotten absolutely destroyed by Michigan. The recruiting spree that brought in much of the talent responsible for that modest-by-national-standards success (including Cassius Ware) would, just two years later, land Ole Miss the harshest NCAA penalties since SMU got the chair. Chucky Mullins died and Brewer was fired. The next generation of the Manning legacy was derailed when Cooper's career ended with a spinal chord condition and Peyton decided national success on Rocky Top was more appealing than toiling away in non-televised obscurity.

I knew all this when it came time to decide whether to continue riding this roller coaster with Ole Miss as a choice for college, or take the one last legitimate road toward true fandom by throwing in with another alma mater with a higher ceiling and a lower trough. Or even choosing not to care at all. But, in the end, I doubled down on my home state and previous experience with four years in Oxford.

It's been a long season. There's only so many different ways to say losing sucks, so let's get all semi-seasonal and talk about the good things; the moments and people that, when remembered, reaffirm my commitment to the Rebels and move along from sport-to-sport, season-to-season.

Deuce McAllister running. People who only know him from his time as a Saint, sadly only think of Deuce as a bruising, hunched workhorse. But before he got beefed up and worn down in the NFL, Deuce was much less workhorse and more work-of-art. He returned kicks, lined up as a WR and ran with an extra gear that was astonishing. When he broke free, he strode...defiantly upright. A sailboat with a strong wind in a bay full of chugging tramp steamers. When Deuce got loose, it was beautiful. The only thing more beautiful was when Ole Miss got within 4 yards of the goal line. Everybody knew what the call was. There was no need for a secret hand signal or play name. Just scream from the sideline, "Deuce over the top." The only thing more beautiful than when Deuce ran was when he flew.

Against Auburn in 2000 in my first season as a full-fledged SEC student-fan, Ole Miss was struggling. The offense had sputtered and everyone was waiting for some kind of spark. The Rebels got a stop and Deuce stood at the 10 yard line awaiting the punt. He pointed at the student section, then pointed to the end zone. There are those who were there who say this didn't happen. Who say I, a perhaps over-served Freshman, simply imagined this. I say it happened. And after Deuce found a seam and sliced through the coverage, it rained whiskey and coke for a solid three minutes. We still lost the game (Rudi Johnson was a bad man and our defensive line averaged about 210 lbs.), but Deuce called his shot. It happened, and when I finally passed on my car six years later, the "Deuce For Heisman" bumper sticker was still proudly affixed.

The Tad Pad, 1997-2001. There was no basketball tradition. There was that thing with Sean Tuhoy in 1981, but that was a fluke. I vaguely remember seeing Gerald Glass play, but that was in the Jackson Coliseum. I love college basketball, and in need of a team to grab onto, I fell in with the Nolan Richardson 40-Minutes of Hell Razorbacks. Shortly after the 94 championship, I took the scariest flight of my life into Fayetteville in the middle of an ice storm to watch top notch college basketball in, what was then, a brand new, state-of-the-art arena filled to the rafters with 20,000 frenzied fans fresh off the red meat of back-to-back national championship appearances. It was comfortable and shiny and huge.

Then, something happened. Because while Arkansas and Nolan Richardson were playing on a national stage and recruiting players from across the country, Arkansas talent got overlooked and slipped downstream into the waiting arms of a relentless coach named Rob Evans. Keith Carter, Anthony Boone, Jason Flanigan, Jason Smith, Jason Harrison (later) joined North Carolinian Ansu Sesay and Michael White and pounded life into Ole Miss basketball. Through the back-to-back Western Division titles, NCAA appearances and into the beginning of the Rod Barnes era, the Rebels entered for the first time into true basketball fandom.

Where Bud Walton was leather, padding and video boards, Tad Smith was concrete, metal and a faded analogue Dr. Pepper scoreboard. The shoddy ventilation system was no match for the Mississippi humidity late in the season, and the court would sweat in the heat-- turning any attempt at a basketball game into a demolition derby. It had a chimney. And water fountains on the corners of the court.  It felt amateur, but also hands-on. A game at Bud Walton was like watching a professional fireworks display. Tad Smith was lighting a bottle rocket, holding it in your hand until the last second and then tossing it into the dark. It felt personal. A rowdy Tad Smith felt dangerous.

Yes, a chimney. You know, for the Christmas stockings.

That was the brilliance of it. It's the firecracker in a closed fist. You don't need nearly as much force if you can confine it into a tight space. The student section was right on top of the court. The "seats" were just numbers on a metal bench clearly not meant to accommodate the backsides of grown adults (much less the vast ass expanses of the deep South). It was only 8,000 people, but it was 8,000 people piled on top of each other and piled on top of you. It was a high school house party while the parents were out of town were 10 were invited, but 200 showed up.

After beating Ole Miss in the first round of the 1997 NCAA tournament, Temple made the trip to Oxford. From the moment they stepped onto the floor, they looked like a girl scout troop who'd taken a wrong turn on a dark road. The same team that had taken apart the Rebels just a few months previous got routed. Temple guard Pepe Sanchez still curls into the fetal position and pisses down his leg every time he passes a hub cap on the street. By the end, they just wanted to get the Hell out of that concrete asylum and back to Philly. And that's how it was, game after game, for the next 5 years. Nobody wanted to come play in the Tad Pad.

The thing about the high school house parties is that they're made to get broken up. Similarly, the atmosphere at the Tad Pad had to either adjust or die. It was born in 1996. It came to maturity in 1997. Started its decline with the embarrassing performance against UCLA in the 2002 NCAAs and then died at the hands of Mario Fucking Austin and Derrick Zimmerman in 2003 when a bullshit traveling call on Trey Pearson in the final seconds gave Mississippi State the win. Bottles where thrown and the only thing that stopped the student section from rushing the court and tearing a strutting Zimmerman apart like a zombie hoard was the recently-graduated Rahim Lockhart standing in front, holding them back with his 74" python arms. What's left is an empty shell, apathetic fans and a student section with all the danger and menace of a used party popper. But for one brief golden age, Ole Miss basketball at the Tad Pad was all that is right with college sports.

The Tuberville Reconstruction. It was a miracle. Anybody who says otherwise didn't see it. Before the infamous "pine box." Before he made his name on the national scene at Auburn, Tommy Tuberville took his first college head coaching job and pulled an Anne Sullivan-style miracle on an absolutely broken, betrayed football program. Ole Miss got popped with a four-year probation of 24 lost scholarships, a two-year bowl ban and a one-year television ban (Which was a service to everyone, really. The Joe Lee Dunn head coaching era is something that should never have been put to video tape-- like the video in The Ring, only with Lawrence Adams quarterbacking. I'm pretty sure Joe Lee was barefoot in a maternity gown on the sidelines. That's not a joke).

Just three years later, Tommy scraped together a program of misfits and rejects: walk-ons, over-looked small school stars, community college transfers, players generally seen as defective in some way by every other division one school. They were some of my favorite players. John Avery is still the gold standard for Ole Miss speed to the point where his name has become a unit of measurement.

"What does he run?"

"Oh, it's about a third-quarter Avery."

"That's not bad."

Meego sees you.

Linebacker Meego Spearman is an Oxford folk legend just short of Faulkner and Willie Morris. Nate Wayne was Patrick Willis if P-Willy shrunk in the dryer. A young Dulymus McAllister was starting to get some attention. Ken Lucas, a converted WR, became a shut-down CB. The Heard brothers. Rufus French was the unrealized prodigy. Matt Luke with the Jake Taylor knees at center. Tutan (pronounced "Two Ton") Reyes. Comone (pronounced Come On) Fisher. Boyd T. Kitchens at tackle. Walker Jones would have been considered the whitest player on the 1959 squad.

And of course, the legendary connection of 5'0 QB Stewart Patridge and Cory Peterson when Tuberville the Riverboat Gambler rolled the dice and went for 2 to beat Mississippi State in 1997. Taking home the golden egg and taking Ole Miss, still in their last year of probation, to a bowl game. It was pure joy and there was the feeling that this was only the beginning of something truly epic.

Tuberville and the foundation he laid was so strong it propped up even David Cutcliffe's droopy-eyed incompetence for four years. If Tuberville stays, Ole Miss wins its first modern SEC championship. He didn't. And so we wait. But still, he oversaw the rebirth of the program and everything good that has happened since has at least partial root in the Tuberville reconstruction.

There's more to this list, and maybe I'll come back and supplement if the darkness continues. But it's good to look back. It reminds you why you keep believing and why you bought in the first place. It's not that I don't have any where else to go. There's just no where else that feels quite so much like home.

Oxford Underwear Bandit: Justice and Cash

There are two things we hold sacred here at the blog-- justice and cash money. When the pursuit of those comes together, there's no holding us back. So it is that we take on the case of the Oxford underwear bandit, where local Lafayette County authorities (a modern-day version of the Untouchables) have put out a $1,000 reward for information leading to the thief's capture.

Between June 5 and Sept. 5, Oxford police have dealt with a dozen break-ins where a suspect -- the same person, police believe -- has entered young women's homes, stealing only their underwear -- ignoring jewelry, electronics and other valuables.

Almost all cases have involved students at the University of Mississippi, with one case being a recent Ole Miss graduate; the exception being a 36-year-old mother who police describe as "very young-looking."

The suspect has tended to strike between 7:30 a.m. and 11 p.m., always with the home uninhabited -- although in one case, a woman returned within three minutes of the break-in, thanks to a home alarm system

http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2010/sep/12/underwear-thief-targets-homes-of-women-attending/

After extensive research and surveillance, we've narrowed it down to five prime suspects:

Rebel the Black Bear

Description: A large black male, full shiny coat of hair, smells of berries

Last Known Residence: The Ewok Village on Hawthorn Road next to Campus Walk

Current Occupation: Mascot hopeful and the constant search for sweet, sweet honey.

Motives: Known forager, possible family history of petty larceny, intrigued by musky smells, naturally curious

Alibi: Has never stolen anything he couldn't eat, and thongs get caught in his teeth.

Jackie Spears

Alias: Dr. Teeth

Description: Young black male with a luminous smile.

Last Known Residence: Memphis, Tn

Current Occupation: Grillin' the shit out of anything that moves.

Motives: To get caught and bring his mugshot glory to the greater Oxford area.

Alibi: Has never actually seen a pair of women's underwear. They dissolve as soon as he opens his mouth. To Jackie Spears, "panties" are as real as leprechauns.

Billy Cannon

Alias: Legend, Louisiana State Inmate #13334956

Description: 6'1, 220 lbs, cloven feet, smells of sulfur and corndogs, head like a Dick Tracy villain

Last Known Residence: Angola, Louisiana

Current Occupation: Director, Louisiana State Prison Medical Director/Eluding sneak attacks by maniacal Billy Brewer still trying to tackle him.

Motives: Known theft of other valuable Ole Miss trophies, including 1959 National Championship.

Alibi: Only runs at midnight. Also, still has the underwear of every first born daughter in the state of Louisiana mailed to him on their 15th birthday in keeping with Napoleonic law and the "Billy Cannon Appeasement Act," the last piece of legislation signed by Governor/Mental Patient Earl K. Long.

Pete Boone

Alias: God's Banker

Description: Gray around the ears, black around the heart, polyester around the waist.

Last Known Residence: An army cot in Robert Khayat's laundry room.

Current Occupation: Ole Miss Athletic Director/Meter Maid/Author

Motives: The only way to profitably scalp the rest of his season tickets for this year's home games would be to partner them with slightly-used coed lingerie in his eBay listings...also could be used to help move the inventory of his latest novel.

Alibi: If he was indeed guilty, could not resist the offer of $1,000 to turn himself in, though he would weep tears of betrayal into the bills for nights afterward...just like after David Cutcliffe was fired.


Lefty Testudo



Alias: Frequently answers to, "Hey you, stop pissing on my hedges."

Description: Like the starting center for the Lollipop Guild's intramural basketball team with a skill set and lifestyle mirroring Lithuanian legend Arvydas Sabonis late in his career.

Last Known Residence: Winters in the pine straw piles behind the Ole Miss physical plant, but summers on the cool tile floors of the AOPi House lobby.

Current Occupation: Evangelizing against the evils of Canadian whiskey/Perfecting the practice of "Blackout Mondays"/Burrows like nobody's business

Motives: History of high-risk behavior involving the residences of Ole Miss women and strange mating habits in the wild...also a known forager.

Alibi: Only interested in plus size women's underwear, otherwise they won't fit fully over his head, leaving him susceptible to sunburn.

Late Breaking Bullitein Update, New Suspect is Added:

Kenny "The Snake" Stabler
From his autobiography "Snake"about Raiders training camp:

"The collecting of female undergarments," Stabler wrote, "became an annual rite of training camp for many of the Raiders . . . I liked to tack my collection up on the walls."

Stabler also has a history with Oxford's second favorite criminal offense and defending the Redneck cultural traditions under fire by the Man,

"All I wanna do is drive around in my truck and drink Jack Daniels... and they just don't understand."

Nothing to see here...

Drive on. It don't mean nothing
My children love me, but they don't understand.
And I got a woman who knows her man.
Drive on. It don't mean nothing.
It don't mean nothing. Drive on.






Is this a song about Vietnam veterans seeing actual horrific things in war? Yes. Is it inappropriate to use this as a metaphor for college football? Probably. That being said, I'm still jamming out to some Johnny Cash tonight...and then when Earl shows up at my doorstep, I'm going to have me a Lt. Dan moment with the sports gods.

I'm sorry, Jeremy. Somebody should've told you about this place before you came here. Good luck with your new career in Canada.

Profiles in Healing: Tennessee

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)




Team: Tennessee Volunteers

Doctor: Uncle John’s Rot-Gut

Born: Johnny Majors’ hungover pit sweat, dumpling grease, Alcoa Highway rest areas

Hometown: Not Franklin County Tennessee

Height: Short enough to fit in various parts of blue jeans (Dickies are acceptable)

Weight: As many gallons as John Henderson and Albert Haynesworth could carry at once

Educational Background: Mike Cooley’s Physics Ph.D. plus mountain smarts baby – something y’all wouldn’t know nothin’ bout

Proudest professional moment: Not being able to remember stealing Steve Spurrier’s visor on Sept. 20, 1998; Earning enough to buy first Earnhardt truck grill

Worst Professional Moment: See Johnny Majors lifetime record versus Alabama

Medical Philosophy: Orange is the cause and cure of all blindness, especially watching 110,000 people wearing orange on this stuff. You don’t want to see our offense anyway.

Previous Employer: John Daly, All wives of John Daly, Southern women with PMS everywhere, and possibly Sarah Palin

Contributions to team’s success: This guy, this guy, and making this guy head to Yankee Land

Future Goals: Provide UT fans entertainment while losing to UF and UGA every year for the foreseeable future. Gotta sell tickets somehow. Hell, let me coach the damn team. Piss on Alabama.

Profiles in Healing: Auburn Tigers

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)

Team: Auburn Tigers

Doctor: Tony Franklin

Born: The seventh circle of high school defensive coordinator hell
Hometown: Depends where he just stole from
Height: 53.3 yards
Length: 120 yards
Weight: 6 points of pain…one touchdown at a time

Educational background: A white erase board, a rules of football book sitting next to it, and an infinite amount of free time.

Proudest Professional Moment: Watching my offense succeed at the

high school level and being put to the old school tunes of one MC Hammer

Worst Professional Moment: Next question…but since you asked. This and This

Medical Philosophy: There is nothing a good pass can’t cure.

Previous employer: Auburn Football program.

Contributions to Team’s Success: Some believe Franklin was fired. No so. He was simply moved to the medical staff. It was discovered that no player wishes to get injured inside the Tony Franklin system. With his wide open offense that produces gaudy stats for quarterbacks and wide receiver, the wide open running lanes for running backs, and the lack of hard nosed football that needs to be played by the offensive lineman the Tony Franklin system keeps players healthy and are willing to play hurt to due to the success players will incur. Come to the sidelines to see how Tony Franklin handles injuries. Hurt Foot? Run a fly pattern. Turf Toe? Option right. Broken leg? Throw the ball to the corner of the end zone. NO ONE FEELS PAIN IN THE SYSTEM!!!

Future Goals: To run the A-ll offense in college. No lineman! Everyone is eligible at the line, two quarterbacks and an ass load of point. Hike the ball. Throw it back to the 2nd quarterback and throw it deep. YOU CAN NOT STOP HIM.

Profiles in Healing: Florida Gators

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)

Team: Florida Gators

Doctor: Tim Tebow

Born : August 14, 1987
Hometown : St. Augustine, FL
Height : 6 foot 3
Weight : 235 lbs.

Educational Background: Missionary School and the Neo school for flying in Matrix type moves on the Gridiron. It was there he studied seeing the football field in a series of scrolling green 0’s and 1’s

Proudest Professional Moment: Saving unwanted babies in China (pictures below)

Tebow AWAYYYYYYY!


Medical Philosophy: Laying hands on injured players in a Mr. Magi-esque way to cure all injuries and to provide strength to players.

Source of healing powers: Giant boobs

Why are they so powerful?: Not really sure, but they seem to work and they make him happy.

Previous employer: Some believe it was missionary work. Actually, it was a little known gentleman’s establishment known as Platinum Plus in Memphis. It was there that Tebow learned the magically power of boobs while stiff arming regulars attempting to take the stage. The strippers showed Tebow the magical power before each went on stage in order to keep hordes of drunken college frat guys, regular low lives and the even lower form of Memphis Basketball fans off the stage. (Editor’s note: I am ashamed I do not own a piece of history now)

Contributions to Team’s Success: He is the success. Nothing happens without him. He is the golden child. Not a man or a quarterback, but the end all be all of all that is right and just in this world. Do not question him. Do not look him directly in the eyes…for you are not good enough to know his success.

Future Goals: Let’s see….national championship....check. Heisman…check. I don’t know, maybe a cure for cancer, or finding a cure for Kryptonite.

We all know what we really want, and that is for Tebow to go down the wrong path. This is such a worry that even people are praying for him. Maybe down the road he can fall down on some hard times. Some people would love to Tebow just get really down and act like drunk superman. What is drunk Superman you ask? Well take a look at this clip from Superman III. (start 30 seconds in) You mean to tell me you wouldn’t pay money to see this? Replace the lines in there where people say Superman and imagine its Tebow instead. So everyone would gather around to watch Tebow drinking in some Gainesville bar too afraid to approach, and you would hear priceless lines like, “Hey look everyone Tebow’s drunk!”