Gameday

The best part about having friends working halfway across the world? Phonecalls at 8:30 AM that start with, “I feel like Elvis.” “Like A Virgin” is blaring in the background. “No, no, I feel like Tom Cruise at the end of Tropic Thunder. I don’t blame him.” Blame him for what? [silence] “God he is a sexy man.” Who? Tom Cruise? “Howard Jones.”

It starts now.



ATTICUS: 9:08 am EST: Is reviving a college tradition from the dark days of Jefferson Pilot 11:30 kickoffs called Dixie and Daquiris. For $3.50 and an extra stamp on his Subway Preferred Customer Card, Pete Boone would have scheduled our games at 6:45 am in Topeka, because he's a soulless used car salesman who hates freedom. You wake up at the ass crack of dawn to the soft, sweet sounds of From Dixie With Love and the cracking of ice in a blender. By the time the drums kick up, you've got a tasty, nutritious liquid breakfast from an old Memphis family daquiri recipe. I know the phrase Memphis Daquiri brings to mind Grip-In-Sip on ice, but it's actually quite tasty and perfected during the dark mornings of my misspent youth. Oh yeah, and for all you turning your nose up at the daquiri-- first of all, fuck you and I hope you get scurvy. Secondly, choking down whiskey before 10 am isn't kosher. Thirdly, this is a pre-emptive attempt at the technique of throwing junk. It's going to be a long day. Make no mistake, I'm not going to make it.

ATTICUS: 10:50 am EST: A few thoughts on Gameday: Herbstreit says Alabama's got more of a finesse offensive line. Nothing up to this point has given me more hope for victory than this. Jerrell Powe's idea of finesse is taking the head off the catfish before eating it whole. A few thoughts on the games today, before I head off into breach:

Arkansas vs. Auburn: Gus Malzahn is the Captain Nemo of Southern college football. There are few things more dangerous than genius betrayed, and Malzahn is about to bring the phosphorescent light of doom to SEC stadiums near you and cares nothing for the collateral damage. Ryan Mallet IS VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE. This is going to look a lot like the UGA/Arkansas shootout earlier in the year and will be the continuation of a Groundhog Day kind of season for the Hogs. Just remember Basil, don't drive angry.

UGA vs. Tennessee: Make no mistake, Lane Kiffin is a bad coach and Tennessee is a bad team. Patrick Willis needs to start a suicide hotline for a superior defensive freaks playing on shitty teams under over-caffeinated regimes. Eric Berry thinks $2.94 a minute is an arbitrary number, but well worth it. Don't worry, Eric. Things will get better. They have to.

LSU vs. Florida: I hate The Miles. He represents the idiocy of today, as Mark Richt has discovered. But walking out of the tunnel into a night game at Tiger Stadium is the equivalent of mainlining a cocktail of Jack Daniels, HGH and The Incredible Hulk's semen and LSU will be ready to gnaw the turnbuckles, George the Animal Steele style, by the time the sun sets tonight.

I'm heading out to the wilderness. God speed and good luck.

BASIL: 11:39 am EST: No one gives us a chance today. I do. I by-damn do. All this lover scorned horseshit, my ass. Malzahn still loves the Arkansas. Would he put a whuppin' on us if he had a chance? Oh, absolutely, but I guarandamntee you that he would much rather beat the fire out of Ole Miss and their two-bit charlatan of a head coach. God I'm nervous. Time to call my Grandad.

BASIL: 11:57 am EST: Adams is out. Not good. Not good at all. Cobi Hamilton, your time is now. On a side note, Visa commercial, folks dancing to Superfreak, Morgan Freeman's velvet cigarette of a voice intones, "Who isn't a little freaky?" Well said, and it has that ring of authenticity coming from someone married to his step-granddaughter.

BASIL: 12:15 am EST: This is who we are. Great offensively and as long as the defense holds, pretty damn salty. Key clause in that sentence: the second one. And absolutely awful on special teams. Houston Nutt is no longer there, gypsy lady who James Shibest spat on! You can lift the curse! For the love of God, lift the curse! Long, long way to go. Wouldn't it be great if Broderick Green came to play today?


BASIL: 12:30 am EST: Friend of the Blog McBride writes in, "What kind of bizarro world is this? Who is playing defense for us now?" Elton Ford is. That was a perfect little half bump on Trott on that third down play. Play of a veteran. A veteran sophomore.

ATTICUS: 12:30 am EST: The Arkansas safeties play like the token girl right fielder in coed beer league softball.

BASIL: 12:45 am EST: Good quarter. Lofty quarter. The beer is going down a lot easier than I thought it would. Of course its the Thumper. Going to be an expensive good luck charm should we win today. I mention to the wife, "I'm not trying to get drunk today." She quickly fires back, "yeah, but it doesn't look like you're not trying to not get drunk today either."

BASIL: 12:58 am EST: I love having Lucas Miller back. He catches absolutely everything.

BASIL: 1:02 pm EST: MICHAEL MOTHERFUCKING SMITH. Nice to see you again, sir. I'm so pumped up I may headbutt my dog. She's lookin' at me like she's up for it.

ATTICUS: 1:02 pm EST: The Pizza Hut wings, "bone in, bone out" commercials are only going to get funnier as the day goes on.

BASIL: 1:06 pm EST: Who is this and what have they done with my Arkansas Razorbacks?

LEFTY: 1:07 pm EST: Auburn is playing like the West Cannon Coyettes after a Jonathan Moxon all night drinking party.

BASIL: 1:13 pm EST: Knock me over with a feather: "Vincent 'Bo' Jackson: Philanthropist/CEO".

ATTICUS: 1:20 pm EST: Done and done. Thou shalt not fuck with Bo.

BASIL: 1:21 pm EST: Michael Smith is honoring Bo right now.

ATTICUS: 1:26 pm EST: Michael Smith. Best running back in the SEC. Discuss.

BASIL: 1:35 pm EST: One of the best halves I've ever seen us play. When we really get rolling, and I'm well aware of the magnitude of this comparison, the feeling is a lot like Rollin' with Nolan. Great offense lining up opposite us and long way to go, but that was a great half of football.

ATTICUS: 1:37 pm EST: If you're not watching the MSU-Houston game, you should. As the sorority girls know, you're going to get fun before you get good. MSU is just starting to get fun.

LEFTY: 1:40 pm EST: The crawl just said the ESPN crawl that if Tebow "passes" a medical test he plays today. The fact the word passes is in quotes makes me think they are going to check and see if he has two arms and two legs and send him onto the field.

BASIL: 1:55 pm EST: McBride weighs in: No comparisons to Nolan until we are playing for something of significance. Fair, fair point right there. Further reinforcing our technological bassackwardness, yes, I'm typing in comments that could go in the comments section. It's now graduated to blogging for inbreds. Second half here we go.

ATTICUS: 1:56 pm EST: Watching the Nebraska highlights, the SEC really needs to tap the Samoan talent pool.

I mean he got a weight problem. What's a lawya gonna do? He's Samoan.

BASIL: 2:09 pm EST: [Tate fumble inside the 5][not going to say anything not going to say anything not going to say anything no jinx no jinx no jinx]

BASIL: 2:22 pm EST: Atticus makes the point in a sidebar that it boggles the mind why Auburn isn't taking more shots deep. I agree. The problem for our defense has not been wars of attrition, which it appears Auburn wants to wage. The problem has been bombs down the field.

BASIL: 2:32 pm EST: There it is. Always a big play. Damn it. Wife chips in, "what do they get little things on the back of their helmet for?" My reply, "not sucking."

LEFTY: 2:39 pm EST: Rewatch the Jonathan Crompton pick 6. He injured a girl in the endzone after the touchdown. Crompton grabed a metal staircase and shook it with two women on it. Coach O must be rubbing off on him in football ability and Hulk like mood swings.

BASIL: 2:40 pm EST: There's our defense! So nice to see you guys again! FUCK

BASIL: 2:55 pm EST: Lefty thinks Auburn is not Moxon post-bender, just moody. True. I think that we just took the ball down the field and scored with a true freshman at RB. We're a different animal now. Way more depth than I can ever remember us having. Yes, I remember when McFadden, Jones, Hillis and Smith were there together. But for those that bring that up, remember that Michael Smith never really seemed ready to play. Lots of fumbles, general dislike from the fanbase. Everybody's ready to play, everybody can contribute. We may let Auburn continue to get right back in this, but that possession was the sign of a halfway decent football team.

BASIL: 3:14 pm EST: Up 21, 4 minutes to go, things look good. Should we close this out, interesting to see where we are in the national conversation given that Auburn was apparently the second coming 2004 before today. Georgia is doing us no favors in Knoxville.

LEFTY: 3:20 pm EST: There is a large number of Florida fans on the street car as I head downtown to watch the game. Let's just say that Southern hospitality is no in play in New Orleans today. More like drunken anger.

BASIL: 3:24 pm EST: Ballgame. And now a little food for thought for the afternoon. Hey Kevin Strickland, how the fuck that crow taste?

Ass.

"When the guns stop blazing on Saturday, Auburn will holster its pistol, wipe its brow, and take a long swig from the 6-0 flask."

That is so cute. It's like, masculine, because it talks about drinking and shooting guns. You know, guy shit. Too bad you don't know one fucking thing about football. Knowing a little bit about football? Also guy shit.


BASIL: 3:39 pm EST: Kevin, buddy, the 6-0 flask, what exactly does it look like? For a guy like you, I bet it has a little embroidered "whiskey" on it, maybe with a cute little "xx", 'cause that stuff is potent! Pay attention to the chorus, bitch.



ATTICUS: 3:39 pm EST: In the interest of self-preservation and wanting to live to primetime, there is a self imposed brown liquor embargo till halftime...

BASIL: 3:43 pm EST: Jevan Snead does not approve and will do his damnedest to see you break that.

LEFTY: 4:08 pm EST: The only good thing I can say so far is the CBS jv broadcast team is much better than the old JP jv broadcast team when they would have a double header once every season.

BASIL: 4:09 pm EST: Easy. As an expert on such things, in the early going, it appears to me you might have the makings of a Houston Nutt game. Dodging a bullet on that 3rd and goal. Classic Nutt. If you all keep hanging around, watch out.

BASIL: 4:31 pm EST: The Ole Miss boys are a little quiet, as they're in a tense, tight affair. I see the beginnings of Houston Nutt game. Telltale signs?

ATTICUS: 4:31 pm EST: I don't know how to feel. Our defense is pissing excellence and our offense is passing a kidney stone.

BASIL: 4:48 pm EST: As the commentary slows, and hey, nice stand by the Rebels down inside the 10 AGAIN, a little about what I'm doing as I watch the game. David Chang of Momofuku in NYC is probably my favorite chef in the US. I fucking love everything about his restaurants, his philosophy, all of it. He has a cookbook coming out and I'm cooking my first recipe of his. How awesome is David Chang?

This fucking awesome.

LEFTY: 5:00 pm EST: I am convinced some girl mind fucked Jevan.

ATTICUS: 5:40pm EST: Brown liquor poured. God have mercy on my soul.

LEFTY: 5:45 pm EST: C'mon, Jevan. You beautiful man. Don't let those sorority girls mindfuck you.

ATTICUS: 5:53pm EST: It's in God's hands now.

LEFTY: 6:03 pm EST: We are cursed. We truly are.

LEFTY: 6:30 pm EST: When does baseball season start?

ATTICUS: 6:54 pm EST: Never have so many owed so much to so few. The only reason we have any hope or pride left is the defense.

ATTICUS: 7:24 pm EST: They are advertising the best of the Dean Martin show on tv... I'm buying... there is nothing else left to believe in.

BASIL: 7:45 pm EST: Darkness falls...



LEFTY: 7:55 pm EST: Went to go meet my New Orleans friends. They are sitting outside a bar with a sign that says "you honk, we drink". The LSU game should be fun.

ATTICUS: 8:27 pm EST: I've lost the ability of clever

BASIL: 9:28 pm EST: I'm basking. Good game on, but I'm just surfing Auburn blogs. Some jackleg on bleacher report actually wrote that it was a game Auburn should have won. So true. So many times, I've watched the Hogs lose a game by 21 points and think, "man, we just let that one go right through our fingers." Grow up, Teagles. You got your ass kicked.

Meanwhile, if you see Atticus out in DC, help a brother out. Actual text from a few minutes ago: "Lsu is a good team. They rise above their weaknessews and compete on a nstional level. Fuck me." My advice to him: "You grab the closest willing woman and you kiss her on the mouth! Buck up!"


If you see this man, give him a hug.

Ole Miss/Wake Forest Train Wreck of Thought

(What follows is an attempt at a time based gameday diary by two people who like to drink during games in places that usually aren't laptop friendly. So, the result is more a roughly sequential collection of Jack Handy-esque random thoughts assembled from scribbles on bar napkins and the insides of beer labels. Enjoy.)

The Rebels get the Perfect Attendence Award: Thanks for showing up. You didn't actually win anything, but here's a nice piece of paper with your name on it. Thanks for the effort.

Atticus Van Zandt: The last time an SEC team walked into a stadium this crappy, State fans still thought the Croomses was a good football coach. I smell a trap.

John Lee Pettimore: ACC football is like Bourbon that comes in a plastic bottle. It’s supposed to be the same thing, yet it leaves a bad aftertaste, stabbed feeling in your stomach and is ineffective as a weapon.

JLP: Brandon Bolden is the AC/DC of our running backs. Enrique Davis is the talented Indie band, who can’t get the right break to show off

JLP: Ole Miss football itself is like Chinese Democracy. We keep waiting for it. Sometimes it’s closer than others, but it might get there one day. And monkeys might fly out of my ass.

AVZ: (Doing his best Jimmy Duggan drunken rage impression, Nutt grabs Sneed)- You’re still a little long on the fly route to Wallace…now, now, now that’s something we’re going to need you to work on before next game….(continues shaking violently while smiling maniacally)

JLP: Shay Hodge is like Gregory Dean Smalley. He can’t stop now, he’s got one more ridiculous catch to make.

JLP: Jevan Snead is Beck. You can try to pigeon-hold him and pin him down, but he’ll do something else and blow your mind pretty soon.

AVZ: Houston Nutt obviously has determined that what Mississippi recruits really look for is bust size, and that’s why Croom’s instate commitments have been going so well. He’s been eating Handy Andy thrice daily in an effort to compete.

JLP: Can’t you see Houston Nutt as the band manager in Almost Famous? Your damn flags almost killed my quarterback. Speaking of Almost Famous, who is skinnier, the one blonde Ole Miss cheerleader they kept showing or Kate Hudson?

JLP: I think Cordera will be playing Jason Cook’s role next year. I think that leaves Derrick Davis as the fifth Beatle.

AVZ: So, Rich Gannon’s retarded little brother thinks that “Eliminating chunks” is a key to the game. The ACC football/whiskey from a plastic bottle analogy continues…

AVZ: The sack of weasels…more fun than you might think.

JLP: From Ronnie Van Zandt to Uncle Ken, all men with great mullets need to band their will together and incinerate Jimmy Clausen now. If there is a bigger tool on any drilling rig in Texas please let me know. He’s about as cool as MC Hammer’s mustache.

AVZ: How many people do you think have gone to http://www.hdwraparounds.com/ looking for something completely different and yet, are not totally disappointed (I know the commercials are probably different everywhere, but if you haven’t seen this one, you’re missing out).

JLP: Chris Paul would go for it on fourth down every time. Speaking of mustache’s, I’m pretty sure Billy Tapp has already gone for it on fourth down.

AVZ: I’m putting the bounty out right now, free Sons of Caine t-shirt (existence pending…) to anybody who can bring me quality pictures of Billy Tapp’s mustache. That thing is amazing…it almost made me forget that he’s the fifth year senior who has been playing tight end because he couldn’t break into the lofty heights of the Schaffer, Adams, Lane, Bigfoot rotation. Almost…

AVZ: For a second, I thought the Wake OC’s name was Lebowski. Turns out, it’s Lobatski. Disappointment abounds.

JLP: Stop turning the ball over. If we turn the ball over again, I will use Riley Skinner’s tanning oil to poison myself.

AVZ: The announcers are talking about Moon Pies…premature nostalgia for the Daves grows by the moment.

JLP: Dexter McCluster should throw the football about as often as Madonna should cover American Pie.

JLP: Jevan Snead I’ll find a sister for you to bang if you just score a touchdown right here. Hold Me Closer Jevan Dancer. See Cordera in the end zone.

AVZ: There’s more physical contact in a Nashville lap dance than there was on that pass interference call.

JLP: I’d bet Ed Orgeron will win the SEC before Swank will miss this field goal. We’d be better off being Triple-Six Mafia at the Oscars. – Oh Wait.

JLP: I’m trying to now choke myself on a Mango Habanero boneless buffalo win.

JLP:After we scored the touchdown with one minute left, and then they came back – That was like if DBT came out for the third encore and started singing some damn Good Charlotte.

God hates Ole Miss. That is all.