In Front of the Romans We Go

"Well, show me the way to the to the next whiskey bar. Oh don't ask why. Oh don't ask why"

- "The Alabama Song," The Doors

I’m cheesier than the whole state of Wisconsin and Cameron Crowe combined.

I love the actual game of football too much for my own good. However, I love one part of a game as much as any other.
Maybe it’s because my alma mater has won 14 total football games in four years, but I get down like Charlie Tweeder at a gentleman’s establishment when teams run onto a field just before a game.
Sometimes in my sleep, in between wishing I still had hair, I dream of ways to spruce up team entrances.
As with a good movie intro or a robe that says Italion Stallion on it, a good song goes a long way.
I’ve been to every stadium in the SEC except for Arkansas (I tried, I just couldn’t find it), and here’s my take on what every team in the SEC should take the field to if they ever send their fight songs the way of Chuck Lidell’s career.
SEC fans get along about as well as Marcus Dupree and Barry Switzer or Barry Switzer and gun laws, so I know people will hate me for some of these.
I don’t really give a damn. Piss on all of you if you don’t like it.
There will still be Scotch and Round Pond Cabernet to drink tomorrow, girls in the South will still wear sundresses, and Mike Cooley and Cary Hudson will still be making music.
Here’s my soundtrack after first noting that it goes without saying that "Alabama Song" by the Doors is the unofficial song of the SEC.

Also, any team not named Alabama that plays Sweet Home Alabama over the PA before games should take a plane ride from Greenville to Baton Rouge. In no particular order:

1. Georgia – Drive-By Truckers’ “Lookout Mountain” – I’m giving the Truckers to the Dawgs because DBT is an Athens band, and former member Jason Isbell and Matthew Stafford are long-lost twins. If they played this song during a blackout game, the first few chords might cause an earthquake in Atlanta.

Honorable Mention goes to “Atomic Dog” and “Back in Black”


2. LSU – Tie between Sinatra’s “Strangers in the Night” and Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane” (not funny huh, yea, well fuck you) – I dream of a video during Sinatra of fellow Italian-American Gerry Dinardo’s coaching tenure, and then screening the number of Cajun women with Winn-Dixie Bourbon morals who will go home with a stranger that night. “MattMauckMayBeGod” but nothing gets Cajun men crazy like scantily-clad women doing the Bow.

Honorable Mention goes to Westside Connection’s “Bow Down” and the Smashing Pumpkins ode to nutria everywhere-- “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”.

3. Kentucky – Luther Vandross’ “One Shining Moment” – Let’s be real, they can try to mask it with the past two years, but Kentucky fans would rather watch the tribute to the 1996 or 1998 NCAA Basketball Tournaments than any football game. This song would at least get the fans excited before the game. For humor’s sake, I just want to see that many middle-aged men singing to Luther Vandross together. It might even get fans to leave Keeneland and show up to games on bad years.

Honorable Mention – “I Drink Alone” by George Thorogood or Nelly’s “Air Force Ones”

4. Alabama - Tie between The Black Keys “Things Ain’t Like They Used to Be” and Madonna’s “This Used To Be My Playground”. – The first one is pretty self-explanatory. One convincing season-opening win has Bama fans swearing this is 1992 all over again. The second should be shown to a video montage from the past (something the school should win Oscar awards for) of all of Bama’s triumphs at the Sugar Bowl, seeing as it’s been a decade since they’ve been there.

Honorable Mention – Snoop Dogg’s “Lodi Dodi (Jimmy Johns edition)” or Hall and Oates “Rich Girl” for their players ability to rely on the old man’s money (see Young, Logan).

5. Mississippi State – The Violent Femmes “Add It Up” – Since this team scores about as much as Georgia Tech students, this should be the school’s anthem. Why can’t they score more than 10? Why can’t they score more than 10? Why can’t they score more than 10? Cause Anthony Dixon’s now got three chins.

Honorable Mention – “I am the Walrus” and “Fuck Tha Police” (Derrick Pegues/Quinton Culberson edition)


6. Ole Miss – En Vougue’s “Never Gonna Get It” – Whether we’re talking about recent SEC titles, loving from a decked-out girl in the Grove before she drinks a bottle of Yellow Tail, any of said girl’s daddy’s money, etc., Ole Miss fans can all rally around this statement.

Honorable Mention – “Aerosmith’s “Same Old Song and Dance” or Tom Petty’s “Rebels”

7. Florida – Dave Chappele’s “I’ll Piss On You” tribute to R. Kelly – Urinating in public is a national pastime in Gainesville, along with hair gel, cheap Riesling, and burning history books prior to 1990. Playing this song to 90,000 drunk Gators may make The Swamp’s janitors life harder, but at least they’d be a little more sober when they come into other campuses.

Honorable Mention – B-I-N-G-O Wings, or We Wear Short Jorts


8. Auburn – The Who’s “Who are You” – Ole Miss doesn’t actually need a mascot due to the fact that Auburn has enough to fill most conference’s quotient. The school itself is a psychotherapists dream with inferiority complexes due to its big brother, Multiple Identity Disorder, etc. We should all say a prayer for them-- at least until Chaz Ramsey transfers. Another idea would be to have Pat Dye covering Foo Fighter’s “Hero,” while sitting on Bo Jackson’s lap—bringing tears to at least half the Tiger/War Eagle/Plainsmen/Irons Brothers nation.

9. Arkansas - Metallica’s “Anywhere I Roam” – I’m giving the Razorbacks one of the most underrated concert songs of all time because anyone who’s ever tried getting to Fayetteville knows that it may take you a while, and you may end up in Texarkana or even Hot Springs before you find it. “Pomp and Circumstance” could also be motivational to the Arkie players or fans-- most of who will never hear in the song in its traditional graduation setting, but know it only as Macho Man Randy Savage’s intro music. Dig It?

Honroable Mention – Run DMC’s “Raising Hell”

10. Vandy – “A Whole New World,” Peabo Bryson/Regina Bell – Any time there is any buzz about this program at all, Vandy fans pop up from all over Middle Tennessee-- even though most of them were wearing orange the week before and will be again when the two teams play each other in a few months. 2-0 for the Commodores is simply a world they’ve never lived in, and one I’m not sure I want to. Pink Floyd’s “Is There Anybody Out There” would also be a fitting tribute to students who usually miss the actual start of the game, but will show up in the fourth quarter if the game is close, and Sam’s doesn’t have any drink special going on.

Honorable Mention – Todd Snider’s “Statistician’s Blues”

11. South Carolina – Hootie and the Blowfish’s “Hannah Jane” – If the people of South Carolina had their way, Darius Rucker would be our first black president. In this poppy upbeat intro tune, he expresses the Gamecocks’ sentiments on being mediocre and the fact that they “Don’t want to be alone” or “See the Sun go down”, which it usually does on their season after mid-October.

Honorable Mention – Garth Brooks’ “Standing Outside the Fire” or Annie’s “Tomorrow”

12. Tennessee – Skynyrd’s “On the Hunt” - Whether referring to what most UT fans do the mornings before games, what their coach is constantly doing for donut shops, or what they’re doing for football glory since UGA and UF have both passed them by, this sums the program up well. Plus if you’re going to play anything that’s not “Rocky Top” to more than 110,000 Vol fans, a Gary Rossington guitar solo should get them about as amped up as anything.

Honorable Mention – Cypress Hill’s “Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke It Up” or Uncle Tupelo’s version of “Moonshiner”