Profiles in Healing: Auburn Tigers

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)

Team: Auburn Tigers

Doctor: Tony Franklin

Born: The seventh circle of high school defensive coordinator hell
Hometown: Depends where he just stole from
Height: 53.3 yards
Length: 120 yards
Weight: 6 points of pain…one touchdown at a time

Educational background: A white erase board, a rules of football book sitting next to it, and an infinite amount of free time.

Proudest Professional Moment: Watching my offense succeed at the

high school level and being put to the old school tunes of one MC Hammer

Worst Professional Moment: Next question…but since you asked. This and This

Medical Philosophy: There is nothing a good pass can’t cure.

Previous employer: Auburn Football program.

Contributions to Team’s Success: Some believe Franklin was fired. No so. He was simply moved to the medical staff. It was discovered that no player wishes to get injured inside the Tony Franklin system. With his wide open offense that produces gaudy stats for quarterbacks and wide receiver, the wide open running lanes for running backs, and the lack of hard nosed football that needs to be played by the offensive lineman the Tony Franklin system keeps players healthy and are willing to play hurt to due to the success players will incur. Come to the sidelines to see how Tony Franklin handles injuries. Hurt Foot? Run a fly pattern. Turf Toe? Option right. Broken leg? Throw the ball to the corner of the end zone. NO ONE FEELS PAIN IN THE SYSTEM!!!

Future Goals: To run the A-ll offense in college. No lineman! Everyone is eligible at the line, two quarterbacks and an ass load of point. Hike the ball. Throw it back to the 2nd quarterback and throw it deep. YOU CAN NOT STOP HIM.

Red River Shootout

If you haven't read The Courting of Marcus Dupree, you should. 'Till then, here's an excerpt that, although 20 years old, is still pretty relevant for this weekend. True rivalry never goes out of style:

Texas and Oklahoma are neighbors only by a quirk of geography. They are
separated by the Red River, which used to separate New France from New Spain.
What really separates them is a century and half of history, the Alamo as
opposed to the Dust Bowl. When you hear a Texan or an Oklahoman call the other
neighbor, it just means they share ownership in an oil well. They are like
tribes connected by a common hatred, two people who look on one another with the
special loathing usually reserved for cannibalism. Oil and football prescribe
the characters of the two universities, and to a degree, the states. Longhorns
see themselves as big, fast, wealthy, wily, capable, cultured and annointed by
the Almighty. The good guys. They see the Okies as poor, ignorant,
Bible-thumping outlaws. Okies see the Texans as loud, arrogant, smartass
bullies. Jesus and football are one-two, but the order depends on the year and
which side of the Red River you occupy. There is something else in this rivalry,
something harder to define, but something that has to do with the times in which
we live. Just as Army-Navy symbolized all that was glorious and traditional
during World Wr II, Texas and Oklahoma are two states of the here and now.
Strange to say, trendy. Witness Texas chic, a disease in which people wear
cowboy boots, ride mechanical bulls and talk about the last time they saw Willie
Nelson at the Lone Star Cafe. Witness the popularity of such shows as "Dallas"
or "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas". Somehow, "The Best Little Whorehouse
in New Jersey" just doesn't sound quite right. There are many who would contend
that the words Okie chic are mutually exclusive, but there is no denying the
popularity of Oral Roberts and his message to the Masses of Unhealed. Jap
Cartwright, Inside Sports. October 1981.

Profiles in Healing: Florida Gators

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)

Team: Florida Gators

Doctor: Tim Tebow

Born : August 14, 1987
Hometown : St. Augustine, FL
Height : 6 foot 3
Weight : 235 lbs.

Educational Background: Missionary School and the Neo school for flying in Matrix type moves on the Gridiron. It was there he studied seeing the football field in a series of scrolling green 0’s and 1’s

Proudest Professional Moment: Saving unwanted babies in China (pictures below)

Tebow AWAYYYYYYY!


Medical Philosophy: Laying hands on injured players in a Mr. Magi-esque way to cure all injuries and to provide strength to players.

Source of healing powers: Giant boobs

Why are they so powerful?: Not really sure, but they seem to work and they make him happy.

Previous employer: Some believe it was missionary work. Actually, it was a little known gentleman’s establishment known as Platinum Plus in Memphis. It was there that Tebow learned the magically power of boobs while stiff arming regulars attempting to take the stage. The strippers showed Tebow the magical power before each went on stage in order to keep hordes of drunken college frat guys, regular low lives and the even lower form of Memphis Basketball fans off the stage. (Editor’s note: I am ashamed I do not own a piece of history now)

Contributions to Team’s Success: He is the success. Nothing happens without him. He is the golden child. Not a man or a quarterback, but the end all be all of all that is right and just in this world. Do not question him. Do not look him directly in the eyes…for you are not good enough to know his success.

Future Goals: Let’s see….national championship....check. Heisman…check. I don’t know, maybe a cure for cancer, or finding a cure for Kryptonite.

We all know what we really want, and that is for Tebow to go down the wrong path. This is such a worry that even people are praying for him. Maybe down the road he can fall down on some hard times. Some people would love to Tebow just get really down and act like drunk superman. What is drunk Superman you ask? Well take a look at this clip from Superman III. (start 30 seconds in) You mean to tell me you wouldn’t pay money to see this? Replace the lines in there where people say Superman and imagine its Tebow instead. So everyone would gather around to watch Tebow drinking in some Gainesville bar too afraid to approach, and you would hear priceless lines like, “Hey look everyone Tebow’s drunk!”