Profiles in Healing: Florida Gators

(Throughout the season, we here are the Sons of Caine will be profiling the unheralded heroes of SEC football– team physicians. SEC athletes are like jet engines strapped to the Family Truckster, and it’s up to these innovative minds to go above and beyond the limits of traditional modern medicine to maintain the functionality of fragile mortal mechanisms straining to operate at immortal levels.)

Team: Florida Gators

Doctor: Tim Tebow

Born : August 14, 1987
Hometown : St. Augustine, FL
Height : 6 foot 3
Weight : 235 lbs.

Educational Background: Missionary School and the Neo school for flying in Matrix type moves on the Gridiron. It was there he studied seeing the football field in a series of scrolling green 0’s and 1’s

Proudest Professional Moment: Saving unwanted babies in China (pictures below)

Tebow AWAYYYYYYY!


Medical Philosophy: Laying hands on injured players in a Mr. Magi-esque way to cure all injuries and to provide strength to players.

Source of healing powers: Giant boobs

Why are they so powerful?: Not really sure, but they seem to work and they make him happy.

Previous employer: Some believe it was missionary work. Actually, it was a little known gentleman’s establishment known as Platinum Plus in Memphis. It was there that Tebow learned the magically power of boobs while stiff arming regulars attempting to take the stage. The strippers showed Tebow the magical power before each went on stage in order to keep hordes of drunken college frat guys, regular low lives and the even lower form of Memphis Basketball fans off the stage. (Editor’s note: I am ashamed I do not own a piece of history now)

Contributions to Team’s Success: He is the success. Nothing happens without him. He is the golden child. Not a man or a quarterback, but the end all be all of all that is right and just in this world. Do not question him. Do not look him directly in the eyes…for you are not good enough to know his success.

Future Goals: Let’s see….national championship....check. Heisman…check. I don’t know, maybe a cure for cancer, or finding a cure for Kryptonite.

We all know what we really want, and that is for Tebow to go down the wrong path. This is such a worry that even people are praying for him. Maybe down the road he can fall down on some hard times. Some people would love to Tebow just get really down and act like drunk superman. What is drunk Superman you ask? Well take a look at this clip from Superman III. (start 30 seconds in) You mean to tell me you wouldn’t pay money to see this? Replace the lines in there where people say Superman and imagine its Tebow instead. So everyone would gather around to watch Tebow drinking in some Gainesville bar too afraid to approach, and you would hear priceless lines like, “Hey look everyone Tebow’s drunk!”