Between June 5 and Sept. 5, Oxford police have dealt with a dozen break-ins where a suspect -- the same person, police believe -- has entered young women's homes, stealing only their underwear -- ignoring jewelry, electronics and other valuables.
Almost all cases have involved students at the University of Mississippi, with one case being a recent Ole Miss graduate; the exception being a 36-year-old mother who police describe as "very young-looking."
The suspect has tended to strike between 7:30 a.m. and 11 p.m., always with the home uninhabited -- although in one case, a woman returned within three minutes of the break-in, thanks to a home alarm system
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After extensive research and surveillance, we've narrowed it down to five prime suspects:
Description: A large black male, full shiny coat of hair, smells of berries
Last Known Residence: The Ewok Village on Hawthorn Road next to Campus Walk
Current Occupation: Mascot hopeful and the constant search for sweet, sweet honey.
Motives: Known forager, possible family history of petty larceny, intrigued by musky smells, naturally curious
Alibi: Has never stolen anything he couldn't eat, and thongs get caught in his teeth.
Alias: Dr. Teeth
Description: Young black male with a luminous smile.
Last Known Residence: Memphis, Tn
Current Occupation: Grillin' the shit out of anything that moves.
Motives: To get caught and bring his mugshot glory to the greater Oxford area.
Alibi: Has never actually seen a pair of women's underwear. They dissolve as soon as he opens his mouth. To Jackie Spears, "panties" are as real as leprechauns.
Alias: Legend, Louisiana State Inmate #13334956
Description: 6'1, 220 lbs, cloven feet, smells of sulfur and corndogs, head like a Dick Tracy villain
Last Known Residence: Angola, Louisiana
Current Occupation: Director, Louisiana State Prison Medical Director/Eluding sneak attacks by maniacal Billy Brewer still trying to tackle him.
Motives: Known theft of other valuable Ole Miss trophies, including 1959 National Championship.
Alibi: Only runs at midnight. Also, still has the underwear of every first born daughter in the state of Louisiana mailed to him on their 15th birthday in keeping with Napoleonic law and the "Billy Cannon Appeasement Act," the last piece of legislation signed by Governor/Mental Patient Earl K. Long.
Alias: God's Banker
Description: Gray around the ears, black around the heart, polyester around the waist.
Last Known Residence: An army cot in Robert Khayat's laundry room.
Current Occupation: Ole Miss Athletic Director/Meter Maid/Author
Motives: The only way to profitably scalp the rest of his season tickets for this year's home games would be to partner them with slightly-used coed lingerie in his eBay listings...also could be used to help move the inventory of his latest novel.
Lefty Testudo
Alias: Frequently answers to, "Hey you, stop pissing on my hedges."
Description: Like the starting center for the Lollipop Guild's intramural basketball team with a skill set and lifestyle mirroring Lithuanian legend Arvydas Sabonis late in his career.
Last Known Residence: Winters in the pine straw piles behind the Ole Miss physical plant, but summers on the cool tile floors of the AOPi House lobby.
Current Occupation: Evangelizing against the evils of Canadian whiskey/Perfecting the practice of "Blackout Mondays"/Burrows like nobody's business
Motives: History of high-risk behavior involving the residences of Ole Miss women and strange mating habits in the wild...also a known forager.
Alibi: Only interested in plus size women's underwear, otherwise they won't fit fully over his head, leaving him susceptible to sunburn.
Late Breaking Bullitein Update, New Suspect is Added:
From his autobiography "Snake"about Raiders training camp:
"The collecting of female undergarments," Stabler wrote, "became an annual rite of training camp for many of the Raiders . . . I liked to tack my collection up on the walls."
Stabler also has a history with Oxford's second favorite criminal offense and defending the Redneck cultural traditions under fire by the Man,
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